I sit here today thinking of what to write. It’s been so long since I’ve made a Bible Blog. For those of you who don’t know, I have friends at Christian Student Fellowship at the University of Kentucky. One of those friends is about to head to Texas. And a few others have gone their own way in their own life. It’s difficult to say goodbye.
There is so much I want to tell them. How did I find CSF? What did I think of it at first? How did the people there treat me, and how did I start to fit in? These are all questions that I wish to answer in this blog. And my hope is that we will all find healing as we go our own ways.
Many of you may know about my mental illness. I’ve certainly not hid it, as it is very hard to do so. I was diagnosed with clinical depression — that has been properly dealt with. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD — which still causes me trouble today, but not nearly as bad as it used to. I begin this story around the year of 2014. This was the year it would all come down on me. At the beginning of the year, I was in college. Many other students caused me a lot of trouble. I was a loner, and wanted to be by myself. They persisted. The best way to put it is I didn’t do so well that semester. With the harassment and low grades, it goes without to say that the Spring semester really, really stunk. The summer was normal as any other year. I believe I took a break from work to finish a few classes. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was during my Fall 2014 year that the levees inside of me would break. I was about to be overwhelmed by very, very bad emotions. Enough emotions to make me want to end my own life.
I can tell you the first time I had suicidal thoughts. I sat in church just like any other Sunday. Except this Sunday, a girl with red, curly hair sat in front of me. You might say, “Who cares? I’ve seen plenty of red-headed girls.” But this situation was different. You see, it was two years earlier that I fell in love with a young lady that had red, curly hair. She made it clear that she only wanted to be friends with me. But at the end of the school year, I had learned she made fun of me behind my back. And to make things worse, I wanted to talk with her. Why would she do that? Was I a bad friend? But I never got the chance to talk with her. I was devastated. Going back to 2014, we stopped at the point of me seeing a young lady with red, curly hair in a church service. It was at that instant when my C-PTSD first kicked in. It was like I was reliving the same situation — the curly, red-headed girl rejecting me. I cannot explain how difficult of a day that was. The only thought of releasing these bad emotions was to leave church and go home. So I did. And the flood of emotions persisted. And all I could do was lay on my couch and cry. That was the moment. That was when I heard a voice inside my head. Immediately, I had thoughts of ending my own life.
I remember saying to myself, “Perhaps I have bleach in the house that I can drink. Or maybe I can slit my wrists.” I called the suicide prevention hot-line. They calmed me down and encouraged me to go to a mental health hospital. So I did. In that hospital, I told them I had no friends. I told them that I would go days without talking to anyone. Their response was, “No wonder you’re having suicidal thoughts.” So in that hospital, I made plans to go to the BCM and CSF on UK’s campus. To be in a Christian community and find healing.
So I went to both. And at first, I received push-back at both. I was a 23 year-old outsider. But I persisted going there for two reasons: (1) I had no choice with the threat of my suicidal thoughts, and (2) I felt I needed them, and they needed me. I stopped going to the BCM and went to CSF simply because I knew a friend named “Tater.” Yes, that’s his real name! “Tater.” And they now call his wife, “Tater Tot!” But needless to say, I was friends with Tater because we had geology class a few semesters back. So we knew each other a little bit. And although I received push-back at first, it went on to the point almost everyone at CSF knew me. They comforted and supported me. I let them know of my struggle with suicidal thoughts, and they encouraged me.
That’s my experience with CSF. Many of my old friends moved away. Some of them stayed, but have their own lives now. Tater, Keith, Jared, Adam, Matt, Brian, and many more. More friends to count. We had a special moment in that time at CSF. And although we wish to go back and relive that time, we are to know that there is a future ahead of us that is bright. One that we can be a light for others. So that’s it. If you asked about my experience with CSF. it’s a light in Lexington. It’s a place where the hurt and broken can find healing. It’s a place that is used by God to bless others.
God bless.