In the back of my mind, I’m thinking,
“Am I wasting my time dreaming?”
~ NF, “All I Have”
Among the loneliest of feelings is that of speaking from your heart yet never being heard. You ask yourself, “Is it worth it? Is my heartfelt dream an illusion? Do I think I’m helping people when, in fact, I’m not? Are the words inside my heart of no use?” In an ironic case, you feel like an imposter of your own success. You don’t deserve what you have. You don’t own what you already obtain.
Some people climb mountains to reach the top. Others climb mountains to escape the valley.
Perhaps an influencer of these thoughts is the enemy of clinical depression. It’s difficult to see the shadows of people around you when you’re wearing sunglasses. Another factor could be the illusion of social media — you get one Facebook like, and nothing more. You assume your idea is ignored. Are you not gaining attention because you’re not good enough? Are you ignored because your work is meaningless? Are you a fool for trying? Are you living in an illusion that others might actually care? Do people not see you because of the Facebook algorithm? There are so many questions and no answers to show. Nonetheless, I forget my own writing about purpose.
“Our God-given mission is sacred and valuable. It’s personal when we define ourselves by such a purpose. That said, there will always be unfortunate events and difficult people that limit (or extinguish) our attempts. But remember: Our God-given purpose is worth fighting for. It’s true that you can’t fail or be disappointed if you never try. Nonetheless, we are to fight for God anyway.”
This is the world that we live in. And yes, I’ve often felt like no one was listening. I’ve asked a pastoral friend in Lexington, Kentucky how to address this. His answer explained that it’s a debilitating trap to view the audience as “tadpoles.” In other words, you view your audience as “a bunch of faces that fill a room.” When you get on stage, you may view your audience as random people you’ve never met (and likely never meet again) who represent a single entity that defines your opinion’s worth. My friend explained that audience members (each being a separate individual) are all complex people with complex lives. Everyone has their own opinion and personal taste. Everyone has their own life problems that the person beside them probably doesn’t care about. One audience member may see your words as purposeless, while another across the room sees your words as life-changing. Again, every individual is complex.
To confess, I fall into the social media trap of, “If I only get one Facebook like, I must be delusional to think people read my articles.” In that case, I feel like a fool for trying. I’m very self-conscious about my writing. What’s the point of writing when no one reads it? What’s the point of self-expression when there’s no personal value to express?
The unseen fight with mental illness is real. The discouragement of feeling like a fool is debilitating. Nonetheless, may we keep trying.
